Sunday, December 27, 2009

I am a work in progress

(Grieving for the loss of who I was.)
The 5 stages of grief

DENIAL: At this stage I am unwilling to accept the truth. "I will soon awaken and it will all have been a dream - this is not happening to me - I can still dance, do my work, chase my children."

ANGER: I feel angry and may need to opportion blame. "Why me?" (in an angry voice) "It is there fault, they did .... , it made me stressed and that made me sick"

BARGAINING: "Maybe this will work. If I try this diet, remedy, religion etc and I will feel better and maybe it might even go away"

DEPRESSION: "I feel I cannot cope, there is no hope, it is all too much, there is no one who cares and no way out"

ACCEPTANCE: "I don't like what is happening but I have some level of acceptance - I can get on with my new life, it is a different life and I can cope."

I don't hold to the idea that we work through these stages in a linear way. I go back and repeat some of the stages sometimes on a daily level. That is what it is like for me dealing with chronic pain.

I think when I started this blog I may have been in angry denial - this is not my disease, take it away, I do not want it. It sounds like it could also be acceptance - that I do have a disease but it will not define me.

We are all a work in progress.
Thankyou jackiee1970 for photo

Saturday, December 12, 2009

open your eyes

Every night when I walk up the stairs in the dark it is as if someone has but a blind fold over 1 of my eyes - just 1.

I don't quite understand this phenomenon even though an opthalmologist has given me a name for it - Adie Tonic Pupil.

Sometimes in a semi dark room you can see that 1 pupil is large and 1 pupil is small. Always the right 1 is large and I'm not sure if that is the eye with the Adie or the left 1.

What I do know is that when I got that bad migraine last week it was a pain behind my right eye and my right pupil was enlarged.
I also know that it is an autonomic nervous system sign. The ANS is like a control system and is involved with heart rate, digestion, respiration rate, salivation, perspiration, pupil, urination, and sexual arousal.
Holmes-Adie syndrome at Washington University Neuromuscular